According to Judith Martin, the American Journalist who you may more lovingly know as Miss Manners, we’re in a rude crisis. In the 2008 CBC documentary Rude: Where Are Our Manners?, Miss Manners explained why rudeness is becoming more common in our society. It really doesn’t take a self-appointed authority on etiquette to point out that fact though, does it? One of her reasons for the rudeness crisis involved parents simply not teaching their kids manners. From the interview: “It was partly a belief that child rearing was bad for children. And so people did not teach their children manners.”

Children are incredible little people. Their minds are constantly absorbing and processing the world around them. The most important teacher they will ever have is the example of their parents or guardians. I can’t tell you how many bad habits I’ve instilled in my kids just by them observing my antics.  They are developing their own understanding of human behavior after me! Seriously? That’s scares the hell out of me but it’s also a challenge that I want to succeed at.

I learned quickly as a parent that my kids mimic practically everything they hear. They may not understand the real definition of the new word but will easily associate the context in which it was used as its meaning. For instance, there was an unfortunate occasion when I used a “potty word” after getting frustrated about something totally insignificant. Later that day my son used his newly acquired word when he got irritated with a toy.  He understood when and how to use it. Admittedly, I couldn’t help thinking how adorable this was and had to suppress a laugh while I explained that what he had said was a bad word and that daddy was bad for saying it.

This mimicry doesn’t extend to bad behavior only though. I’ve decided to make a habit of addressing my son and daughter as sir and ma’am and make an effort to say please, thank you, and you’re welcome whenever appropriate. The result is that I have incredibly polite kids. People are astounded at how courteous they are and all it took was for me to be courteous to them. Without a doubt, you reap what you sow and my hope is that my kids will carry this virtue with them for the rest of their lives; that they’ll understand the value it brings to their interactions.

But I want to jump back over to our friend Miss Manners for a moment. She said something else in her interview that really stood out for me when defining exactly what etiquette is. She said, “Etiquette has built into it, a sympathy for the stranger, or the person who is too young to know. You do what you can to make the person who doesn’t know feel welcome, if you’re quite sure of the good intentions.” I like her insight. What she is saying is that etiquette is more than a superficial niceness that is affected at dinner parties. There is a sense of compassion for another person that drives us to show kindness in all forms and manners are simply one of those forms.

Speaking of superficial etiquette, I’m reminded of a quote from one of my favorite movies, The Family Stone. Lot’s of quotables, like this one:

“You stick a silver spoon up any monkey’s butt and it’s bound to say please and thank you.”

-Sybil Stone, from The Family Stone

I think it’s just as important to be sincere as it is to be kind.